She always supported everyone around her, but unfortunately, she often forgot about herself. Her friends could always count on her. Once, she bought a coaching session for a friend because she believed it would help him find a job (she was looking at it from her own perspective – such sessions had helped he in the past). But that person didn’t even show up for the session. Another time, after hearing about someone’s health problems, she bought them vouchers for medical tests, expensive supplements – and people never bothered to use them. Maybe she felt used, but she still believed in the idea that “you need to help, explain and raise awareness.” However, she didn’t notice that while giving support to others, she wasn’t giving any to herself.
She lost her father very quickly – he passed away unexpectedly. She was 9 years old. She was left alone with her mother, who sank into depression and emotional “absence.” She herself didn’t have any support – or at least, she doesn’t remember it – but she had to somehow support her mother. She didn’t really understand how to do it, but she knew her mother needed her. She didn’t cause problems, she was well-behaved – she did everything to make sure her mother didn’t have more on her plate. Sensing when to do something and when to hold back, she never went through any rebellious phases. Over time, she started handling many matters for her mother, which solidified a pattern in her: “I have to support others to survive, to be loved, to have friends.”
She was left with just one parent. In her childlike thinking – if she lost her mother too, she would also die. That’s why she did everything she could to emotionally support her mother so that they could both survive.
This pattern carried into her adult life. Recently, she and her husband decided to move. She has a better job, but her husband is a doctor – elderly women say “Hello” to him, he’s an authority figure, and he helps people regain their health. Despite this, she doesn’t get much support from him. Having learned that she has to manage everything on her own, she would always say things like: “Maybe we should do this, go here, move that or Let’s do this, go there” – thinking her husband would figure out what she needed. But he didn’t. He could leave unassembled furniture lying around and spend hours on the computer doing something else.
Feeling powerless in the new place, after an argument with her partner in which she let her frustrations out, she started experiencing severe back pain. Her disc slipped.
We talked about her feelings for over an hour. About her mother, and how she felt as a little girl back then. She shared how she had no support from anywhere and doesn’t even fully understand what it feels like when someone has your back. She spoke about anger, irritation, and sadness. All those emotions resurfaced during the move.
The next morning, she texted me and said: “You know, Kasia, it already hurts much, much less.”
We agreed that she would start asking for support using clear communication: “I would like you to do this and that,” or: “Please help me.” She would address her husband and others directly. Because saying: “Let’s do this, let’s go, let’s buy, let’s assemble, let’s clean” may sound nicer – we were taught to speak this way in school or university – but it doesn’t clearly indicate who is responsible for the task.
Don’t wait for someone to guess what you need. Speak clearly about the support you require – communication becomes lighter and easier that way.
And how about you? Do you know how to ask for support? Or do you let your pride get in the way, thinking: “I’ll manage on my own?”
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According to Metaphysical Anatomy, a slipped disc represents being burdened by the problems of others, while your own responsibilities pile up alongside theirs. In such situations, we have a deep need for support and love, but we give these things to others instead of to ourselves. We deny ourselves the love and support we actually need.
– Who made you feel unworthy of asking for support?
– Were the important people in your life emotionally unavailable, leaving you to take care of yourself?
– Are you sensitive to the emotional and physical pain of others?
– What are your personal boundaries?
– Do unresolved problems in others remind you of your own unresolved issues?
– Why do you take on too much?
– Did the slipped disc teach you to ask for support? How did you feel when you had to do it? Did you feel shame or guilt? Think about it.
(Original text published with the client’s consent)
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The presented material does not constitute medical advice. It is for informational purposes only and should not be treated as professional advice, diagnosis, or treatment recommendations. It does not replace specialized medical examinations or professional medical consultations.
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Book a session with me – I can help you detect your limiting beliefs and reframe them releasing negative emotions associated with them.
Make an appointment for a free discovery call – I will tell you how I work and how I can help you:
ctdbykasia@gmail.com / kasialewandowska.com
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