Kasia, I don’t know… I either feel nothing, or very little – maybe it’s the pills. But when I stop taking them, I mentally lash out at my whole family, especially my kids – and I don’t want that. That’s why I choose this calm without feelings. Honestly, I’m emotionally numb, I can’t just be joyful – not on my own.
In the meantime, she started having problems at work – she works in an office. She made a few so called mistakes and had a talk with her boss. That’s when the emotions hit – fear, disappointment in herself, anger, the feeling of being inadequate, irritation, and that constant question: “Why me again?” She felt it all intensely. She came and said, “Kasia, what’s better? Should I quit, or wait until they fire me?” Total surrender… She just wanted to give up, like always, because it’s easier – easier to beat herself up: “I’m useless, unwanted, unseen, I don’t fit in…” So, she’d just sit in that feeling of hopelessness and sadness – feelings she knows so well.
Most of the jobs she’s had were office jobs. In every single one, after about a year, she’d start making mistakes. Not consciously, but it was like her brain was looking for familiar territory: mistakes and the emotions that come with them.She’d get distracted, couldn’t focus on simple tasks. And, as always, the easiest way out was to leave – or get pregnant, hoping a baby would heal her, or that the next job would be better.
She has three siblings, and although she’s the oldest, she’s always been the least visible in the family – overlooked, sad, unimportant. Everyone else somehow managed to get their parents’ attention, but she just couldn’t. After a few conversations, I asked her if she notices herself. That question surprised her, but she said – not really. She started explaining that she was only noticed when she did something wrong, when she made a mistake. That’s when she got told off and mocked sarcastically. But in those moments, even for just a second, she was seen – by her mom, by her dad – even if just for a moment. A paradox, right?
But this time – with work, she made a completely different decision. She decided to “fight” for herself. She made a plan to improve her work, she’s working on her beliefs… and I’m supporting her so much in this. Now, she knows that to get attention, she doesn’t need to make mistakes. She can allow herself to be seen, noticed, and praised for her successes and good deeds. And being good at something is safe. And what if, over time, she allowed herself to experience spontaneity and joy?!
It’s a marathon, not a sprint. This is just a small part of her story and one of her beliefs that we’re currently talking about.
The pattern is: When I make mistakes, I am being noticed and I feel.
Sometimes, our beliefs are so twisted that it takes time for the brain to shift to new ways of thinking and accept new beliefs as safe. And sometimes, it happens quickly. There’s no rule, what matters is the story and that the client feels cared for, comes with good intentions (more on that soon), and begins to connect the dots, realising that one thing leads to another in life – our brain loves safe patterns.
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Book a session with me to go through the beautiful transformations and processes.
Make an appointment for a 30-minute free discovery call – I will tell you how I work and how I can help you:
ctdbykasia@gmail.com / kasialewandowska.com
