You’re constantly looking for solutions, telling others how much you want to be healthy, how desperately you want “ that thing” to go away… But do you really, truly want it? And does your subconscious want it? Do you feel healthy deep inside?, do you literally feel like you are health?

The truth is, we have so many benefits from being ill that even when we’re actively seeking solutions, the search itself excites us. But what happens when we actually find the solution? What do we focus on then? What do we search for? Consciously, no doubt here , everyone wants to be healthy, but our brain, with all its programs and imprints, isn’t necessarily looking for what’s good for us—it’s looking for what has helped us before, what we have already “survived” in before . And that’s not always logical, and it’s certainly not the solution we’re looking for.

We have different “benefits” from being sick or from not finding a solution, and we spin in a vicious cycle, wondering, “What’s going on?” I keep coming back to square one—this doesn’t work, that doesn’t work. It works for others, so why doesn’t it work for me? And it’s even worse when there’s no diagnosis—what to do then, just search blindly? Searching turns into an obsession, and people around you stop believing that there’s even anything wrong with you. That’s when the fight begins, both within yourself and with others, to prove: I am sick!

So, what are some of the benefits of staying sick (or not returning to health)?

1. Attention – Being ill, I get a lot of attention, whether I want it or not. It takes up all my time—visits to doctors, massage therapists, herbalists (I have a lot of respect for them, they’re wonderful people with good intentions). What do you talk about at family gatherings? Doctor visits, tests, new therapies, analyses, what you’ve Googled—and THIS must be the solution! It consumes you, even excites you. Friends and family listen—once, twice, maybe three times, and then they start pretending to listen because it gets monotonous, even boring.

2. Victim Role – You start to change your narrative, talking about how nobody understands you, how you can’t find anything, how “poor” you are. You search for groups of people going through the same thing (usually online). You become a legitimate victim in a group of victims, and the whole world is against you. Loved ones rarely talk to you because they’re just bored, not knowing what to say. They prefer to sympathize from a distance.

3. Finding your tribe – You find new friends with the same problems, and now you’re no longer alone in this misery. You talk about the same things, get excited about the latest studies in some health field. And when you can vent to a doctor who pays attention to you—oh- now you’ve got your audience, a very conscious one—and then you can tell your family about it again—point 1 .

4. Avoiding decisions – Illness is a great way to avoid making decisions. You want to move out, be independent… but somewhere deep down, you doubt whether you can handle it—can I take care of myself? Nah, I’d rather have someone take care of me. Breakup/ separation decision? Suddenly, an illness appears. You cannot leave a sick person, and they won’t leave either. You’re cared for in your illness, and the person taking care of you becomes the hero, even if they weren’t seen as a great partner before (the narrative shifts when they sacrifice for the sick one—good son-in-law/daughter-in-law).

5. Time to think/rest – Paradoxically, we want to rest, but we feel like we don’t have the time—or at least, that’s what we tell ourselves. We’re always on the go, life is a race. Illness gives us time to sleep in, to reflect.

6. Avoiding social interactions – From family gatherings to avoiding people at work. You think, I don’t want to be there, I don’t want to see them—you start with a cold or migraines, and end with allergies to the paint in your office or intolerance to the smell of furniture, or chronic fatigue.

7. Guilt – As a catholic nation, we punish ourselves all the time. I know first-hand how long it takes to break free from guilt. Through the lens of church teachings, we all live in some kind of sin. If we don’t “confess,” then god punishes us. We don’t realize we’re actually punishing ourselves – automatically. For example, when I judged someone, bam—I burned my thumb. We don’t connect our thoughts to what happens afterwards. Or when I did not want to go to a family gathering (didn’t want to listen to all those boring conversations)—it was Grandma’s birthday—and bam, I tripped and now have a swollen ankle.

8. Suffering as a virtue – We’re taught that suffering and self-denial put us above others. I’ll never forget a Polish class where we discussed St. Francis, who died under the stairs after giving up all his earthly goods, held up as an example. And we still study him in school . Parents often tell their children: I sacrificed so much for you (read: I’m better than others, and you should feel guilty for the rest of your life because you literally stopped my life—sorry parent, that was your choice, conscious or not).

9. Feeling special – I have something others don’t. With my ADHD, I’m so sensitive. All the great musicians had ADHD… Or—Let me tell you, the doctor said he’s never heard of a case like mine before. (Ah, that sense of uniqueness—even here.)

These are just examples from practice and my own story, and I know you can come out of it. Our natural state is abundance and joy. That’s how we’re born—perfect, with a divine light inside. Over time, our “software” changes under the influence of parents, peers, teachers, friends, employers, society, the church.

Illness/ Dis-ease, whatever the condition, is a challenge—for the sick person and for those on the outside. But seeing it from a different perspective allows us to release some of the frustration at the symptoms, at our helplessness, at the fact that doctors don’t see what we want them to see. No one is a healer with bad intentions, and no one is out to get us.

When we’re sick, especially chronically, we start looking at everything differently, realizing that we are, actually doing it to ourselves. We begin to work on ourselves, changing how we see ourselves and the world. We notice that what we’re going through and what we think about starts to reflect outside, taking on a deeper meaning. We begin to see each day as a gift. A bus ride becomes exciting, and every tree outside the window is a miracle of nature. Change becomes exciting, not terrifying. We return to our inner selves.

Look at yourself with love �

K. Lewandowska�

(Original text)

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